Friday, September 16, 2022

Behavioural it is then.

 Angry lever jammed in the ON Position

Friday afternoon - I met the goblins at The Antelope (seriously) and there happened to be a beer festival. Amazing beers - New England Pales, IPAs and unfiltered pales. Gorgeous. I didn't realise how drunk I was.

I came back in good spirits and was sat in a room with X. What set me in a rage is immaterial. But rage it was.

Since then I have been very quiet and have made the decision not to drink except with a meal. I have been looking back at this moment in time and since then I have been feeling as though a change has occurred.

 A change within me. I could go more easily at any time. This is not a good place to be. It's like I'm shaking inside.

To placate it I listen to calming music and read. I watched The Rings of Power last night. Despite the basement dwellers' condemnation of it, I found it a great tonic.

It would seem the overriding form of dementia I have at  present is FTD Behavioural Variant, or Pick's Disease. The Frontal Lobe is degrading, which is a shame in the main as it's responsible for behaviour. So, more irrational shouting out, rudeness and anger.

This is a genuine trough in the overall dementia wavelength. I'm also a little bit more discombobulated when it comes to being put on the spot with conversation, being questioned and so forth. 

My conversational topics are becoming very limited as well. This must be very tedious for everyone else!

One of those clients

A man phoned me today as my masonry website is still online. He started almost telling me what I was going to do in the job as I would be working with another bloke I don't know. I took an instant dislike to this guy. You don't phone up a specialist and tell him how to do his job. He was pretty condescending in his manner too.

The conversation was very stilted and the temptation to tell him to fuck off was palpable.

I didn't though. 

Don't worry! If he calls again I will.

Bye Bye Van

There are certain things in life - key moments. This was one of them. Over the last couple of weeks 2 friends have come over to buy tools and equipment from me I will never use again. (Saying that, I kept other equipment I will probably never use again, but hey...).

But it was the van being sold and driven out of the driveway that has really resonated. We've been through a lot - we had a symbiotic relationship. I couldn't have done so many things without it. And then with all my decals still on, it goes from my life. And that was the end of that.

That's pretty significant I'd say.

It's funny how we anthropomorphise inanimate objects, machines etc. We love our pets and grieve for them like a family member when they pass. 

Although I haven't wept, there's definitely a part that's gone from my life. It wasn't just the van - it's what it signified: my working life; my contribution to the family; my living; the one job I hated less than the others.

It's made me feel confined. I want to go out less and less and only to places I'm familiar with, unless I REALLY want to see someone or something.

That chapter is now well and truly over. Suddenly my arrogant distain for the RDS monthly group has gone - I need it now. I belong there. These are my people. I've seen people degenerate in only the 2 years I've been a member. I thought I was almost immune to it. Like Chris or Alison my dementia would remain constant for 8-10 years. 


Next Chapter

Well, I'm enjoying cuddling up with the dogs on the sofa and taking them for walks, although Stanley is extremely naughty at the moment. His mother won't hear anything of it though.

Evil Incarnate

I'm enjoying reading and preparing and running Dungeons and Dragons games. 

I need something physical to do as well. I'm atrophying quite quickly, plus the exercise is v good for the brain.

I'm going to Barnes Wetland Centre for 6 mornings starting in October in conjunction with RDS (Rare Dementia Support) as I love birds and nature so I am really looking forward to that.

I've got the games holiday in early October for a week.

I'm going to see my family in Somerset late September, and see my friend Mark.

Still got the gaming, Sundays, Mondays and Tuesdays.

That's pretty good. Better than nothing. Helps to write these things down so you can see them.

 I feel better now. Thanks for reading 🤓


  1. visit to the Wetland Centre sounds great, do you know what variety of birds you are likely to see?

  2. Hey Anonymous. I don't know. Herons probably, cormorants. Maybe an egret but perhaps it's the wrong time of year for them? It's a great place and I haven't been there for years.