Just sitting here. Drizzle outside. Dogs don't seem interested in walking, That's a let off.
Nothing springs to mind. No more Youtube clips. Done all of the only podcast I like.
Cars go by. Too fast for this road.
Can't concentrate on reading for long enough. Have to make myself.
Head is numb. A light head cold with no other symptoms confines me here. It's the wafer-thin mint that tips me in to total atrophy.
Apart from this of course.
Sip some expensive herbal tea. Drinking too much caffeine these days.
The others are working upstairs.
At breakfast J talked about when she was married. I don't think she counts this as one. Or certainly not anymore anyway.
I don't have much in the way of empathy but that was pretty telling.
It must feel like that to her though. That's valid.
Nothing like feeling a spare part. Reminds me that it's a recurring theme of my dreams - abandonment, isolation, pointlessness; purposelessness.
Continue waiting.
Driving Fail
I cancelled a hire car this week. A slight cold was enough to dent my confidence in my concentration levels for a 3 hour drive on motorways.
Expensive waste of money.
The others need a break from me. I don't know how they experience me. The shouting is pretty horrible I gather. I'm trying to keep a lid on that.
More difficult than ever to be self-aware - nigh on impossible. Self-analytical is different of course.
Would have been nice to see everyone. I'm only going to take trains from now on, to Castle cary and back again.
It would be good to see other people but they all work hard and need their weekends.
My parents are properly old now. That part of middle-age where your parents' generation topple like dominoes.
I have to get out and go places for everyone's sake. Their mental health as much as my own.
Games
This is what I live for now. Meeting up with people. The joy, the energy of the shared experience.
I even watched some of the rugby. I don't like it so much these days - all that kicking drives me nuts. Finding rugby league more fun. More tries.
When I can't run D&D games anymore it will be something. Maybe not as profound as I expect. A gradual decline to nothing and then total apathy. I think that's how it goes.
Sorry for being depressing. I promise I'll make it up to you.
Stop this self-pitying bollocks!!
Right - Pick myself up out of this fug and get on with it. Get into my walking trousers (for there are such things) and get the dogs walked.
READ READ READ!! Force myself to do so and take notes. Prepare for Sunday and Monday - 2 - possibly 3 sessions of Dungeons and Dragons! Madness I know.
I will be very knackered.
I move back and forward like Arthur Fowler "Shut up, Pauline!" in an effort to galvanise myself out of this seat.
I can only control myself in all this. Get up and do stuff.
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