Oh, to be a starfish...

Quantum decline

You take it for granted for ages. The “situation” in the background, you know, [whispers] dementia!

Then you go through a couple of days of a trough, which turns into 5 or 7, and you realise you’ve taken a small but significant step down in your abilities.

Concentration at an all time low. Every time I try to read and prepare for D&D the detail of most of it is lost, so much so at times that when it comes to running the game it feels like I’m reading the passage for the first time. 

My prep is like this: procrastinate, procrastinate, read half-heartedly, procrastinate, read thoroughly and make notes, do nothing on the day of the game, read the notes haphazardly in a hurry - eyes darting all over the page - ditto for the actual original text, then run game. 

It’s an effort. Fuck I wish it wasn’t like this. Am I getting away with it? 

I asked and one person said it was noticeable how I'm not as on it as I once was but it was still really good, and the other person said they hadn't detected any decline at all. 

I like to think I’m experienced enough to provide a decent experience for everyone - myself included.

Suffice to say this is the new reality. 

Also some occasional minor hallucinations: white objects like my Apple mouse which in my peripheral vision suddenly burst into view like a firing flash gun set at F2.

I’m going to have to up my dose of Sertraline from 100mgs to 150mgs for a while. Finding it all a bit difficult. The noise of busy pubs; sitting indoors, not finding any satisfaction in YouTube clips or much else for that matter. 

Like a smoker who can’t afford cigarettes, or the straight-jacketed man with itchy balls. 

Just restless: an unquenchable thirst for a drink that doesn’t exist. 

At least I can still string a sentence together, spot typos, grammar errors and punctuation errors (are they ever not errors these days?) with alarming speed - like Robocop spotting perps in his multiple cross-hairs.

My handwriting still receives compliments. 

Forgetting my multiplication times tables now. Had to think what 7x8s were. Known them off by heart since I was 9.

You lucky, lucky bastard.

And you 'n all.

Politics 

I still think I’m over-qualified for Trump's cabinet.

I’m not a rapist, or a tax evader, or a fraud of any kind. In fact I haven’t done anything to be pardoned by him yet. 

So no ambassadorships or secretary of state jobs.

I am completely unqualified for any post in government, which oddly enough would actually make me qualified in this (mad) instance.

I’m better informed than Tulsi Gabbard who repeats verbatim RT propaganda like a Talking Barbski doll-bot and of course RFK Jr who seems to be just a very damaged person through drug-use and personal trauma.

Despite my dementia I’d be much better than this shower.

Trouble is the MAGA crowd would accuse me of being a DEI pick and that wouldn’t be a good look for Trump or Project 2025.

Sod it then. It's CEO of the World Bank for me.

Plutocrats 

Just as Elon Musk spent hundreds of millions of dollars getting the stooge known as Trump back into office, the Reform Party is Musk's next project. They are of course natural bedfellows.

Another one in the mix is Nick Candy - the property developer, who in a Sunday Times interview today quite openly speaks about his fondness for Saudi Arabia and its society: its great quality of life and law and order.

Wow. Think about this for a moment. Saudi and many of the Emirates states have the most appalling human rights records, a catalogued history of indentured workforces, the scandal about the workers who built the Burj Khalifa and many other erectile dysfunction buildings in that part of the world.

But what amazes me these days is that somehow, at some point the concept of democracy became devalued. People now speak openly about appalling regimes and dictators as though these are great people running great societies. The MAGA movement led by Trump, Tucker Carlson, Tulsi Gabbard praising Victor Orban, Poot'n, Xi of China. All autocrats with appalling human rights records, especially for women and LGBTQ+.

I just can't believe how up-front they are about it too. There's almost no attempt to hide their undemocratic leanings. I assume they operate in echo-chambers for them to think this is 'normal'.

These billionaires who manipulate the media like never before are out to get even richer, dividing the wealth of the world up between themselves like the oligarchs they are, depending on ordinary people to vote them in.

Already Trump is pulling back on his promise to make groceries more affordable - one of the promises he made in the election.

I cannot believe we've come to this point. People died in the Peasant's Revolt, The Peterloo Massacre, Chartism, Trades unions and the suffragette movement, to have human rights, to be recognised by those holding power as fellow humans with a stake in society ie. the vote.

Is it that history has become irrelevant due to ignorance?

- Forget it G - that happened a long time ago. It's history.

- What, like Jesus?

If it looks like fascism smells like fascism and acts like fascism, it's probably fascism. 

I've lost friends who have swallowed this shit hook line and stinker. And I'm prepared to lose more any who fall into this vortex of bigotry and hatefulness.

They're laughing at us.

And finally...

Had to throw 2 pairs of pants out this week: structural integrity of the gusset. Quite the disappointment. These things all happen at the same time don’t they? Waves of exploding heels on socks, disintegrated gussets and holes in your favourite t-shirts. 

These things happen in clusters don't they?

One thing’s for sure, I shan’t be buying nylon pants ever again. 

I shall rest my brain here, thank you.

 Would you like to rest your brain?

I would like to rest my brain yes.

Where would you like to rest your brain?

I would like to rest it here, by the cyanide.

Then rest your brain there.

I shall. Thank you.

And I lie as to rest my brain, right there.

How are you resting your brain?

I am resting my brain by putting it on its side.

I am merely listening to the wind and the rustle of trees,

I am very content here.

I do not want to move my brain.

It is very nice where it is.

What do you like about listening to the trees?

Oh shut up.

A wild cauliflower

Fizzy Brains

Pigeon Holes (or lack thereof)

I've heard barristers describing the brain working like a set of pigeon holes. Really clever people have more than others - each holding vast amounts of information and FACTS (remember them?) to be accessed on a need-to basis. 

As soon as they take on another case the pigeon holes they used for the previous case are emptied and filled with the new information so they become an expert in the new case. 

That's a well-oiled brain.

On a good day, I have probably 2 pigeon holes. Which is why when a task is undertaken and someone asks me something, I can be immediately derailed and the thing I was going to do is long forgotten, or the object I was holding lost, discarded.

I have to replay my previous steps and actions in order to find my iPad, book, keys or whatever it was I was holding, when , for instance, someone asked me a question that wasn't related to what I was doing.

A highly inefficient way to be, constantly looking for your stuff.

This is what my life was like in the last few years of work. It was just hopeless. Having to concentrate on the job in hand and remind myself what I was supposed to be doing. I needed to do everything with blinkers on - tunnel-vision - staring Linford Christie-like at the finish line. 

Any distractions and the vision and job in hand are lost. 

Start again.

People still ask me if I'm going to return to stonemasonry. It's difficult to explain to them how exhausting it can be just to get a job done as it requires so much more conscious awareness - concentration - to complete relatively simple tasks - and with that comes the mental tiredness.

I'm drooling more and more from the right hand side of my gob. This is a dementia symptom believe it or not.

So no, I'm really not in a position to return to work. 

Ever.

Goblins Reunited

Yesterday I went to Dragonmeet, which is the annual RPG and boardgaming expo in Hammersmith. I took the coach up from Wells, which terminates in Hammersmith bus station, and then walked the 5 minutes to the Novatel Hotel which hosts it.

The definition of convenience!

 Jono and I moved away from SW London roughly the same time. We were mainstays at Kingston Gaming Club. I was known for being bossy, but you have to be - if people don't make the commitment to coming on time every week, the group loses out, and it just dies a death. You have to be honest.

These days people think nothing of not turning up or texting they can't make it on the morning of the event. Bear in mind some people travel for at least an hour to get there, and would like to organise their social lives too.

I'm one of those people who was brought up to believe lateness was rude. And there really is no excuse for not communicating if there's a problem in this day and age.

Rant over.

So, Jono, Adrian, Larry and myself went around the place. One of the standout observations was the lack of official Dungeons and Dragons accessories on sale. WoTC (the owners) have never even had a stand there.

Mainly it's the smaller independent companies. These are people who write, produce and sell their own products. 

Truly labours of love. 

Mongoose, who produce Traveller, were there. All 4 of them. This is a global science-fiction RPG and it's a tiny, tiny company with a hugely loyal fanbase too. I saw the book they produce for physicists who play a maths based version, where they work out the velocity of a craft travelling at X which then slingshots round a gas-giant 3 times the size of Jupiter but with only 75% of the gravity...

Something for everyone!

I bought a D&D compatible adventure called 'Against the Faerie Queen' which is a role-play-heavy (rather than combat) epic fantasy adventure based in post-Romano Britain. It won't suit everybody, as it's more about lore, diplomacy, politics and role-playing.

It won't be for everybody, and people struggle when it comes to correctly pronouncing Welsh words. 

But I love the fact Celtic in this sense refers to Welsh Celtic rather than Irish Celtic, as it so often does.

I also had a kickstarter arrive the other day which is like D&D set in a gonzo future and televised...so much to read!

Tsundoku or what??

At Dragonmeet I met Ian Livingstone, co-founder of Games Workshop, who with Steve Jackson invented the Fighting Fantasy Gamebook which brought so much joy to my teenage life. I shook him by the hand and thanked him, then he struggled with the PDQ machine (I thought he'd have a minion for that) and signed my book.

I bought presents for my Thursday lot. I hope they like them!

Had a really good chat with Larry about socks, and why they are important. 

Met Tyrone, Peter and John Bryant too.

It was such a proper geek and nerd-fest. The sights, sounds and smells were just brilliant. Great to see younger people there too - not just us sad old beardies.

The overheard conversations were a joy to behold - '...of course I was just using the beta part of my brain in that scenario..."

-----------------------------

It's come to my attention recently that I am not playing nearly enough role-playing games.

Seriously. 

I have gone slightly doolally or at least higher up the doolally scale without it.

It gives me something to aim and work for in the week. It’s intensely taxing on my grey matter. It’s the most intense of social interactions with high emotions, adrenalin, arithmetic, acting and other things beginning with A.

It also keeps me out of the boozer.

If I don’t get my fix I get rather…grumpy, lazy, listless, depressed all of which is a virtuous circle. 

Good news is that Jono/Adrian/Larry will be running a Traveller campaign online on Wednesdays from that London/Plymouth.

Hoorah!

Official Dungeon of Dementia T-shirts!

I've been working on these for minutes.

Available in XXXM. 

Payment options: postal order only

103 Guineas per item. 

3 for the price of 4.

Disclaimer: Dungeon of Dementia accepts no responsibility for fights, hospital bills, loss of limb or any other negative outcomes incurred when wearing its apparel.