You were having a dump

Righteous Singing

There was a style of singing in the 70s which was really earnest. Overtly passionate performances, not matched in any way by the lyrical content. 

The antithesis of Dylan, whose passion is all in the words.

Saying that, I love this. 

I too would be equally passionate if I too lived in a capital I in the middle of the sky.

The following on the other hand, sucks balls. Dean Friedman and Denise Marsa. One of the cheesiest songs ever. Friedman also demonstrates another weird vocal affectation of the time, with his voice pulsing in and out like Radio Luxembourg on medium wave (one for the Gen Xers).

A lack of enunciation on the consonants too.

Tsk tsk.

“Your enDEARing MOTHer called toDAYYY. “

Meaningless drivel. 

I would urge extreme caution before deciding to watch/listen.

I warned you.

Biggest Regret 

About 30 years ago, somewhere in central London - possibly Leicester Square/Piccadilly Circus - I was minding my own business, and I felt gentle hands on my shoulders and a soft 'Boo' in my ear.

Turning around, expecting to see a friend, I instead saw a complete stranger. A large but harmless fellow in a bright pink shellsuit.

in a Black Country accent, he lent in and said "I saw you then, and just wanted to come over and say 'Boo.'"

He then started walking towards another street and said "Hey, you’ve got to come and see this. This is brilliant."

I politely declined, but I've always wondered what it was he wanted to show me that was so important.

After all, he may have been God in disguise!

That happens.

Come away, child...

...from the detritus of sots, lollygaggers, socialists and druggies with their mange-ridden hogs.

High on cannabis and government hand-outs.

Burdening the state with their flat screen televisions and Dr Marten’s boots.

Small twigs left in their wake, their abandoned nests replete with cigarette butts, bottle tops, broken glass and syringes with perfectly good heroin still within - wasted on them.

Poo, Grandmama! What a smelly man!

Do not look upon them Petunia dear, for they will sully you with the odour of badger and the wanton behaviour of The Krankies and such like.

One never sees this at Wimbledon or Henley!

Can you imagine?

Never read the Daily Mail, let alone The Telegraph.

Only ever entered a church to steal its pews for firewood or to defecate in the font.

Gussets filled with yoghurt and compost.

Armpits oozing with peat.

Not a single Marks and Spencers cardigan in sight.

Shame on you!

Bring back National Service! 

No! This human is soiled.

Just shoot you in the head and be done with it!

That'll learn them!

"Don't be silly, Geraint."

The answer to everything I said when I was a child. 

Can I have a mint choc chip and raspberry ripple ice cream together? 

Can we get the musical instruments out of the cupboard please miss?

Can I put a curtain on the alcove to separate my bed from the rest of the room?

Can I buy some sweets please miss?

My feet hurt miss.

I don't believe in god.

Can I go to the toilet please?

I don't want to do dressing up. I don’t like it. 

I hate it here. It's rubbish!

I want a pair of red jeans.

I don't want to go there. They smell.

This is a girls' comic.

This book is shite.

Keep me cool, fatty

Bingo wings on Beryl Cook women, flapping away as they attempt - in vain - to shoo the wasps away. 

Not just in vain, but making the wasps angrier and angrier and more intent than ever on getting to their sugary crumbs.

At least the wind produced from their flappety arms is keeping me cool. 

I don’t mind the wasps: cheeky little punk rockers. 

In fact I admire their guile and tenacity!

The downside is those bingo wings are really putting me off my blancmange...

'Ere! Mind they wappsez!

So what exactly is matter with your brain, then?

Brain Shit

Mild reduced metabolic activity in parietal lobes bilaterally and prominent reduction in corpus callosum and anterior cingulate gyrus region bilaterally.

That's what the CT scan results said in October 2024. So as I never had a follow-up consultation, I went online for Google's AI to interpret it into some basic English I might understand.

I like colouring in cauliflowers. Do you?

The Corpus callosum is right at the base of the brain and it connects the two hemispheres. In my case it's atrophied, which means reduced comms between the 2 halves.

So what are the implications of that? 

Reduced cognitive and motor skills. Coordination and so forth between right and left hands for instance. 

Bad luck if you're a musician.

Well the coordination and balance was always shit, but I can type, and yes sir, I can boogie. So not much change there.

But the other symptoms include reduced executive functions (such as wanting to get up and do shit) and language processing and attention, the latter of which was always a D-.

The parietal lobes are processing sensory information, particularly related to touch, temperature, pain, and spatial awareness. They also play a role in language, attention, and certain aspects of memory.

This is why reading and assimilating received information is ever more difficult.

It's a double-whammy to the grey matter!

Cuppa-tea, cuppa-tea, cuppa-tea please

I go to Niche every day except Tuesdays when they’re closed.

It's very nice there. I can watch the madness unfold all around me, but I often have my headphones on and read or type or watch YouTube on my iPad.

They look after me in there.

Watching the cardigans go by.  

That's the second wheelchair-user in a row with a yellow cardigan - a particularly egregious one with silver Buitoni. 

Ghastly.

One day I'll be in a wheelchair but I won't be wearing a cardigan.

I'm very sensitive like that.

Give me worms

Smiling at every dog I see. 

I love animals more and more every day. 

I like the bitey insects and the hideous worms that live in the ocean. 

As an (honorary) member of the human race I feel a level of personal responsibility for the extinction of all these wonderful mammals, birds, reptiles, amphibians, not to mention all the invertebrates we killed with DTT and the other pesticides and our obsession with fossil fuels.

Where ever humans turned up large fauna disappeared. The Moa of New Zealand, the various large marsupials in Australasia; wolves and bears in Europe. 

God we're awful.

At the moment I am particularly fond of arachnids and cephalopods. 

The interdependency of it all. 

A single tree has thousands of species depending on it for survival. A single oak can support 2300 species with 300 being entirely dependant on it.

And new discoveries are revealing even the tiniest animals have sentience in some form.

Many people still don’t get it as they worship the accrual of money at the expense of everything that is good, believing the fallacy that it will bring them the happiness they crave.

Puppet Master

I remember a very pretty blonde woman called Shari Lewis in the early 70s, wearing an Alice band with a sock-puppet. 

The daughter of academics who taught at the Yeshiva University, she was extraordinarily talented, could sing and dance, wrote several children’s books and even one episode of the original Star Trek series.

However, she is most remembered for her puppet Lamp Chop, and being probably the best ventriloquist ever. 

Lamb Chop had a very distinct personality based on a 7 year old girl, and Shari put a ton of personality into her movements and facial expression.

We’re talking about a sock puppet here. 

I didn’t appreciate how clever and well observed Lamb Chop was at the time. But I’ve since re-watched her - or rather them - and they were a class act.

Mandy Patenkin 

This is one of the most powerful speeches on Gaza I’ve heard. It’s 2 1/2 minutes long and his speech is in the last half.

Quote of the week

'Putin really surprised a lot of people. He talked nice then bombs everyone in the evening.'

DJ Trump (historical figure).

Being Human

AI vs Reading and Writing

Another terrific article from James Marriott in The Times.

People aren’t reading. Especially kids.

Their attention spans can’t handle it. It’s social media of course.

University students are all using Chat GPT and its ilk to write their essays.

Since the 2010s every metric of intelligence testing is showing in the west we are getting dumber. 

And more unhappy.

Marriott: 

“Reading and writing are the cornerstones of thought: serious reading, I suspect, is the one habit that unites virtually every man and woman of genius who has ever lived. It may turn out that to abolish reading and writing is almost to abolish human genius.”

The ability to add, to take away, to alter, to delete - all part of the process of working through and developing complex ideas, arguments and  theories. It’s the reason Ancient Greece forged ahead above other iron age civilisations, and gave us the great stories, the great philosophers, the Olympic Games and baclava.

What does AI offer us? 

Well, all those bullshit jobs will be gone in 24 months. That’s what they say.

But we heard that from Keynes in the 30s who predicted a 15 hour week by 1980, so terrified of automation was he.

Several people predicted in the 1960s that by now we would have mostly leisure time.

Instead people worked longer hours in even more meaningless jobs. 

I’m sure AI will rise up  and engulf us, and today's bullshit jobs will be made to look as worthwhile as being a barrister or doctor by comparison.

The AI professor gives the following advice:

Opposable thumbs

I did some research on this. Pandas have pseudo-opposable thumbs - a boney protrusion from the wrist helps them grasp bamboo while they still have 5 fingers on each hand. Orang-utans and gorillas also have opposable thumbs. So do koalas and opossums which aren’t even primates.

Evolution is endlessly fascinating.

I blame the 80s (part 3)

The Fairlight in the 1980s was the start of making music without musicians. All that dreadful Trevor Horn-produced stuff with the screeches that’s aged particularly badly.

You know they’ve auto-tuned Freddie Mercury on the latest Queen re-releases?

It doesn’t even sound like him.

Perfection is not human.

It’s something to aim for, that’s always out of reach.

Being human is human.

Whatever that means.

Len’s Radio

I went to view a bedsit nearly 30 years ago.

I met the landlord and the present lodger. 

“Everything you see here is part of the room.” Said the landlord.

“Not the radio.” Whispered Len.

“No.” Agreed the landlord. “The radio is Len’s. Len will be taking his radio.” 

At that moment he looked at me as if I was coveting Len’s radio.

“That’s fine. I have a radio.”

“You must not play it loudly. There are other tenants in the house.”

“Yup. Sure.”

“So everything you see here is part of the rent.”

“Yes”

“But not the radio.”

It was Pinteresque I tell you.

PINTERESQUE!

Pure gold.

‘Me nan used to sell canoes…’

“Tell us your name and ONE interesting fact about you.” Said the young group facilitator.

“Geraint. Er... I used to be a stonemason.”

“Colin, and I used to bob-sled for Great Britain.”

“Martin. I was an armed robber until I got the teaching job.” 

“Janet. I love dancing. I’ve pilates on Wednesdays. Me favourite song’s shite but I’m going to play it anyway from my tinny iPhone through Zoom…wait for it…this bit coming up…no hang on…yeah that bit there; love that! Me daughter’s moved in down the road, well it’s actually Hever Close but we count it as down the road. I did the marathon in 2010. Did I tell you about my daughter? She’s a bilge engineer for the council and her aunt -that’s me husband’s sister not my sister - not my sister at all -  got her the job. I love goin’ on ‘oliday. Here’s me ‘oliday photos (again, from the iPhone). Here we are in Torremolinos. Oh no, I think that’s Lanzarote…pauses…shows several more. That’s not my son - that’s the waiter. Lovely lad - can’t remember his name…what was his name Les?...”

…continues until hell freezes over.

I

DON’T

FUCKING

CARE.

I needed therapy after the group therapy.

Turns out I have a zero-tolerance attitude towards any form of tolerance whatsoever.

Pound Notes to be redesigned

Generic as balls

So one of the categories for the new banknotes is 'Noteworthy Milestones.' 

Why not add 'Significant KPIs' and where is 'Positive Outcomes'?

Honestly, has this committee been doing any work at all?

“Everyone’s wanking but the biscuit remains dry.” 

Siegfried Sassoon, 1913. 

As pertinent today as it ever was.