Yesterday's Pants

Balls to Festivals

So we've just come to the end of the Halloween Festival. It was only 2 months long. 

You can tell I enjoyed it.

In my day Halloween was just another day; the important one was Guy Fawkes' Night, in which children made effigies of the Jesuit conspirator and went house to house asking "Penny for the guy?"

Papist was then burnt on a massive fire as we all watched, along with a fireworks display, and we all cheered.

Good old fashioned family entertainment.

Honestly, you can't even burn Catholics anymore without upsetting people. It's only once a year for gawds's sake.

Political correctness gone mad etc.

So now it's children going house to house dressed up as scary things like ghouls or Disney princesses, and getting sweets in return. 

Or candy. 

Well, we're all American now, right?

A typical American, earlier today.

Then it's back to the Christmas festival, which has been running in the background since August. 

What do we do once New Year is over???

Don't worry: the Easter Eggs will be ready in storage at the end of this year to go straight onto the shelves on January 1st.

Yes, the Son of God has just been born and (Spoiler alert!!) we go immediately into his resurrection. 

You'd think those scum in marketing may have had something to do with it.

I may be sexy but I'm boring

10 weeks now sans alcohol. I realise on those rare periods when I’m abstemious, that I rely on alcohol as a social prop. I use it to unwind and relax.

So do I, I hear you say. 

But as said previously, I have no off-switch. No limit. No concept of what is ‘too much.’

So without alcohol I’m rather intense and socially awkward. 

I haven’t danced since I last drank.

I no longer go out in the evenings except for special occasions (games nights).

I have lost weight, but not as much as I’d have liked. 

I look and feel better within myself - less physically repulsive.

But that’s it.

Aging

'The peripheral visual field shrinks by approximately 1 to 3 degrees each decade after a certain age.' according to Google's AI.

On that basis and my recent trip to Tescos, where many people had large trolleys which they parked adjacently in the aisles while choosing packets of Bourbon creams, completely oblivious to those of us trying to get past, I would estimate their average age to be at least 160.

Philostophy Bag

"The relentless pursuit of material gain and consumption as a moral failure that eroded social bonds, dehumanized individuals, and leads to a hollow, alienated existence."

Sound familiar? Existential dread in the 21st century? 

This was an AI summation of the philosophy of Thomas Carlyle in the EARLY 19th century, living in that London.

He'd have puked himself inside out if he could experience life today.

'This is the sound of...'

Those radio ads written by children who've had no actual experience of the medium.

Of course it's the bloody sound of - it's the only sense the medium uses!

Try that sentence without those 5 words, and it works much better. 

Honestly. Bloody moronic, illiterate, advertising scum!!!

(I was nearly one myself!)

This is the smell of old people.

Taste the goodness of Thatcher.

This is the look of fart.

Days

BY PHILIP LARKIN

What are days for?
Days are where we live.
They come, they wake us
Time and time over.
They are to be happy in:
Where can we live but days?

Ah, solving that question
Brings the priest and the doctor
In their long coats
Running over the fields.

The Scrotary Club of Great Britain

I don't know what this means.