Yesterday's Pants

Balls to Festivals

So we've just come to the end of the Halloween Festival. It was only 2 months long. 

You can tell I enjoyed it.

In my day Halloween was just another day; the important one was Guy Fawkes' Night, in which children made effigies of the Jesuit conspirator and went house to house asking "Penny for the guy?"

Papist was then burnt on a massive fire as we all watched, along with a fireworks display, and we all cheered.

Good old fashioned family entertainment.

Honestly, you can't even burn Catholics anymore without upsetting people. It's only once a year for gawds's sake.

Political correctness gone mad etc.

So now it's children going house to house dressed up as scary things like ghouls or Disney princesses, and getting sweets in return. 

Or candy. 

Well, we're all American now, right?

An American, earlier today.

Then it's back to the Christmas festival, which has been running in the background since August. 

What do we do once New Year is over???

Don't worry: the Easter Eggs will be ready in storage at the end of this year to go straight onto the shelves on January 1st.

Yes, the Son of God has just been born and (Spoiler alert!!) we go immediately into his resurrection. 

You'd think those scum in marketing may have had something to do with it.

I may be sexy but I'm boring

10 weeks now sans alcohol. I realise on those rare periods when I’m abstemious, that I rely on alcohol as a social prop. I use it to unwind and relax.

So do I, I hear you say. 

But as said previously, I have no off-switch. No limit. No concept of what is ‘too much.’

So without alcohol I’m rather intense and socially awkward. 

I haven’t danced since I last drank.

I no longer go out in the evenings except for special occasions (games nights).

I have lost weight, but not as much as I’d have liked. 

I look and feel better within myself - less physically repulsive.

But that’s it.

Aging

'The peripheral visual field shrinks by approximately 1 to 3 degrees each decade after a certain age.' according to Google's AI.

On that basis and my recent trip to Tescos, where many people had large trolleys which they parked adjacently in the aisles while choosing packets of Bourbon creams, completely oblivious to those of us trying to get past, I would estimate their average age to be at least 160.

Philostophy Bag

"The relentless pursuit of material gain and consumption as a moral failure that eroded social bonds, dehumanized individuals, and leads to a hollow, alienated existence."

Sound familiar? Existential dread in the 21st century? 

This was an AI summation of the philosophy of Thomas Carlyle in the EARLY 19th century, living in that London.

He'd have puked himself inside out if he could experience life today.

'This is the sound of...'

Those radio ads written by children who've had no actual experience of the medium.

Of course it's the bloody sound of - it's the only sense the medium uses!

Try that sentence without those 5 words, and it works much better. 

Honestly. Bloody moronic, illiterate, advertising scum!!!

(I was nearly one myself!)

This is the smell of old people.

Taste the goodness of Thatcher.

This is the look of fart.

Days

BY PHILIP LARKIN

What are days for?
Days are where we live.
They come, they wake us
Time and time over.
They are to be happy in:
Where can we live but days?

Ah, solving that question
Brings the priest and the doctor
In their long coats
Running over the fields.

The Scrotary Club of Great Britain

I don't know what this means.

All hail The Counter-Enlightenment!

On Autumn

I love this time of year. I love the trees going bald. 

Walking through piles of red, green and brown leaves, the peachy light of dusk and dawn, the memories of cycling to friends’ houses where we’d listen to music or play D&D in the cosy warm and dark bedrooms, back when the light from a solitary bulb was enough for everyone to be able to read.

The dark skies, cooling winds; cold enough to freeze my fingers gripping tightly to the handlebars.

The shorter days providing more reason to cluster together with friends indoors.

Jumpers, mohair, cotton, boots, big coats and spikey hair. Terrible goth music. (Tautological.)

Staring out from a classroom window at kids in their hooded coats running round the playground screaming in excitement despite the thick cloud above.

The build up to Christmas. The excitement.

A lot of people don’t like Autumn. I do.

Except today, when it's pissing down.

On the Wagon

7 weeks with zero alcohol. Watching what I eat too. The weight is falling off gradually, though not as quickly as I would like. Hopefully in a month’s time my clothes will be falling off, and in a sexy way.

Rather like not-smoking, not-drinking in this day and age is actually easier than ever. The non-alcoholic  beers are on the whole very good. Guinness Zero and most alcohol-free lagers and pale ales are very good. 

Electric Bear Unruly AF is my go-to in pubs.

Brooklyn Beers Special Effects is fantastic but the supermarché keeps running out.

So I don’t crave alcohol - turns out it’s more of a habit, like eating sugar or shaving cats. 

Which is a relief.

Mmn. Déja vu.

As of writing this I am still 12st 6lbs, or 79Kgs. At my fittest and strongest (at 27) I was 10st 8lbs or 67kgs. 

I wish this flab would fall off.

It’s stuck to me.

Intentions

I had intended this year to possibly visit the US, as I have never been but always wanted to go.

But with the current regime checking people’s social media as they enter, I would be ejected immediately, like sweetcorn from my arsehole.

Chillin’ with Tomos

Nerys has a new job in Bristol which means Tomos needs lovin’. So after I’ve walked him he comes back to the house with me. 

He's an excellent driver.

Mum and Dad love having him as he is so funny and loves snuggling. 

We never had dogs or pets when we were growing up as they were both working and… well, there’s always a reason NOT to do something, right?

It turns out not only is he a lovely boi, he is a great therapy dog.

Tomos

Piss-fizzingly BAD

People using Deep Heat in a cafe - actually happening as I type…

People having loud, self-important conversations on their phone with the speaker on.

Auto-correct - if I want to spell something wrong I fuckin' well will.

Grammar-check - I'll write shit how I want innit??

Dumb people - read, read and read! If you don't even have any benchmarks with which to process received information how can we have a reasoned conversation?

Leaf blowers - should be shoved the operative's arse and left on full blast. Scum. Noise pulsing in my eardrums no matter what I do. Close windows, go to another part of the house with my XM4s on - no difference. Noisy pulsing shit, blowing the heavy metals and other carcinogens from the road into my airspace. Should be banned forever. Bring back the grass rake and the broom.

People who start sentences with "First and foremost..."

People who are rude to waiting staff just because they can be.

People who are noisy in cafes.

People who shake their heads at me in Tescos car park when it is THEY who are in the WRONG.

Yes. You know who you are old woman.

You know who you are.

Holiday Dementia Special!!!!!

Reunion

Not the title of my difficult third album, but of a little group of some Blue Schoolers from a long time ago,  who gathered together in The Crown last night.

It was a smaller gathering than I expected and as usual with these things some people who said they were coming didn't, and others who said they might didn't. So there.

I had good chats with Ali, Pat, Sarah, Richard, Clare and Anna. It was amazing to all be in the same room. 

(Anna's dog wants to have sex with me. It's difficult. Tbf I probably led him on.)

Get yer coat luv: you've scored.

And today I met Shelley for coffee and took her to see Tanith on her last day at work ever. They hadn't seen each other in years. So that was good.

So many old school friends in 24 hours. It's really nice. And last night I phoned the wrong Claire, but it was really nice to speak to her again so I'm going to call her later for a catch up!

Slightly too much to drink last night but I think I got away with it, apart from the masturbation joke which Ali and Nerys recoiled from. 

Blame it on the FTD. I always do.

Body Dysmorphia

However, the photos of the event were a surprise to me. Instead of the Apollonian figure who looks back at me from the mirror every morning, was the body of a 12 stone weakling with a pot belly. I looked like I have spina bifida - Ian Dury Legs with Purple Ronnie's torso.

Couldn't be bothered to Photoshop my face onto it...

Bloody 'ell. I HAVE got Spina Bifida. Oh, there's always something...

"Gurt big head on 'ee!" "What an Elmer." I can hear you all saying. 

And you'd be right. 

I need to have a full head and body transplant. Maybe for next Xmas. 

Or I'll just have the money instead.

Words were no good anymore!

I've been going round saying odd words. Bungleflumps is at the top of the list. I don't know what it means. I say it a lot.

It just comes out now and again. I have yet to get to the stage of going up to random people and asking: "Do you know Bungleflumps?" "Can you direct me to Bungleflumps?" Or even to the stage of "Are you Bungleflumps? Are you? ARE YOU????"

So for the now, we will keep Bungleflumps at arm's length. I'm sure it will all become clear later.

Later.

Do you remember old Bungleflumps? 

Remember what he did to Dicky Price? 

Marvellous.

Eric Andre

My latest obsession is Eric Andre. He's a comedian - on the very fringes of theatre. He's a natural successor to Andy Kaufman, Chris Morris, Sacha Baron Coen and Johnny Knoxville. Watching lots of Eric Andre and being hungover has led to this crass bollocks that I am typing now but you are already  reading due to TIME.

His humour is gross-out, hits on the public, making his chat show guests feel very uncomfortable, and inexplicable, surreal stunts.

At the moment I'm trying to watch everything I can. It's a miracle the way he winds people up that he hasn't been seriously hurt by someone.

This is not for the faint-hearted and may truly offend: 

Well, I warned you.

RPG UPDATE!

Great gaming week. It got off to a bad start as Monday's was cancelled, but Larry has got the Temple of Elemental Evil up and running (it's a GAME, OK?!) having done a ton of work on it. We're playing it on Roll20 which is an incredible (and complicated) platform to use. But the maps and everything look fantastic. 

Wednesday afternoons are sorted for the foreseeable: thanks for all your hard work Larry!

And then on Thursday I ran Tomb of Annihilation for my Wells group. I really enjoyed it and so did they, which is the main thing.

Also, Patch 5 finally became available for Baldur's Gate 3 on Macs and the difference is awesome - you can now play it again instead of judder-judder-judder; give up.

Also my 20 mini 10-sided dice arrived. 

Xmas has arrived!!!

Hallelujah!

There you go. Have a nice one.