Surfing the waves of dementia

 A couple of days of mehhh...

It's been a tough last few days. Feeling a little down, lethargic, uninspired - which is unusual. 

Fed up of Wells, bored mainly. Missing London, dogs, gamers, non-gamers etc.

Wake up tired. Realise when I'm walking Tomos that I don't want to talk to other people today. People witter on as they're walking, like a result of some anxiety disorder. 

Some feel they have to fill every calming second of silence with something else that's gone wrong with them, all the while the pitch of their voice sounding like a deranged homeless playing a cornet that's been pulled out of a skip.

I have to turn away and get distance between us - at least 20-30 feet.

If I come across as rude then so be it. I just can't be doing with you today and the dissonant word salad that you're puking at me. And it's bright enough as it is. Too bright even.

This is way too much sensory information.

So leave me alone in my cave, on the increasingly creaky floorboards (must have them checked out actually) while I wile my life away on YouTube and my obsession with Trump, MAGA, rugby, and martial arts.

When I go out my trusty Sony XM4s are often on - muffling the audible world. Dark glasses or a welding mask would help, but they're further down the line.

I can feel myself being irritated with everyone. I have to remind myself that I'm ill and not in a great place currently - that it's the illness that's making me feel this way, and I need to create some space between me and it.

Sunday I went out today with Nerys and her friend Pip and their dogs. It was nice. But I'm finding it difficult to converse with people if it's something I haven't been briefed on.

I can feel myself becoming more detached from everything. 

The fog is becoming thicker, as am I.

Why doesn't everyone like TTRPGs, Louis Cole and rugby league? The world would be a much better place. And much easier for me.

Dim Watchio

I ran out of things to watch on Netflix, iPlayer and Prime, so I've renewed my subscription to Apple TV and there are some quality things back on there. 

I’m currently watching For All Mankind: an alternative history to the Apollo space project, where the USSR beat the USA to put a man on the moon. It’s actually done really well and you should watch it. But it does have some soap opera moments which if you're into sci-fi are a bit of an irrelevance. 

I fast forward through those bits.

Fall Out comes to Prime, based on the video game. It does look really good, but the gamers hate it already.

Some good looking films coming out too. Late Night with the Devil looks right up my strasse. 

Should go and see Dune 2 which is out now. But I won't. Because I'm rubbish.

Man at the bar, he say...

Man at the bar slightly right wing of Ayn Rand. Starts ranting at the 18 year old behind the bar as though she is in a position to challenge his bilge.

Blah blah... flat 10 percent tax, abolish the NHS, abolish state everything within time - within time! - and everyone pays into their own pension and health insurance...

Wow.

Flat rates. I remember them when I worked for Chorion. 

"Everyone is getting the same: a 10% bonus."

So the CEO gets a bonus of £23,500 and the receptionist a bonus of £2,500. 

Fair...my arse.

Of course it's not 'fair' or 'the same'!

Put into practice, the twat at the bar's economic theory would create social disparity on a scale we haven't seen since the late 18th century. Cue tent cities and riots like we haven't seen since the Poll Tax.

And plutocrats like him would be the first to blame the poor, the homeless and immigrants.

It’s the kind of nonsense hard right fanatics in the Tory party have talked about since the 1980s. 

Looks like certain nutters are still doing it. 

Next time I might join in. That'll be a whole post on its own!

He was like an octopus!

Looking after Tomos, who was like a 14 year old boy alone with his girlfriend. 

I was that girlfriend. I felt like a piece of meat I did. 

He was all over me, just wouldn't leave me alone. I just wanted to watch the rugby on TV.

Had to go down the pub.

Of course Wales lost.

It's ours!

Writing techniques

Benny Anderson writes abba songs by playing rubbish for ages and hearing accidental stuff that's great, and making a note of it.

He adds that if you do that 8 hours a day for 260 days of the year you should end up with 4 good songs.

I've followed this technique insofar as I witter to myself for ages then write down the less salacious rubbish, all for you.

Practising my Werner Herzog impression as people look on. 

That weird bloke talking to himself is me. I've yet to write much down.

It's becoming more difficult.

Old Ladies' Hairdos

What is it with old ladies and their hairdos? 

'An Ann Widdecombe my child, and make it snappy!' demandeth they.

Chop all my hair off and call me Doris. I shall have a complimentary fussy cardigan to boot.

This used to be a demarcation when women got to 40. Dress like a grandmother.

I'm glad women keep their hair longer for longer. 

I'm a baldy with a beard and fancy 'tache who dresses in t-shirts and jeans. Shirts are too fussy in the main. 

3 months off the booze and I still can't shift the final roll of tummy fat.

Growing old, eh?

Notes from deep inside the bunker #1

Monday

 I arrived in Castle Cary on Monday. The train was only 5 carriages with none of the usual electronic signs indicating the seats were booked, which they were. What ensued was chaos. 3 rather nice but dim pensioners were sat where I was supposed to be. Once the booking notices came live in the carriage I tried explaining the situation to them but they were either doing their best impressions of Private Godfrey from Dad’s Army or as I strongly suspected, they were the genuine article.

Average commuter to Hungerford

Despite my sunflower lanyard on display, I ended up moving 3 times over the course of the journey as others with a booked seat took their places. I thought they were too old to move so let them off, but I still think they were cxxts.

Lots of good-natured Glastonbury festival goers too - these are the people who will be working in the catering tents, hospitality, and all the other stalls. 

Played our session zero for the new Monday D&D game DM’d by Sa. Short but sweet. Must work on my character’s backstory.

Tuesday

Insane dreams. Nothing to eat in the house. Not many people around Wells who I know. Stormy weather. Hot. 

I went out to buy food, as all Dad has in the fridge is a gallon (I kid you not) of skimmed milk, cheese, yoghurts, and tomatoes. I come back with quality bread, salad, free-range ham and sockeye salmon; enough to keep us going for a couple of days.

Mum is not well. She slept this afternoon. Mum like myself, never sleeps during the day. But in the last few years we both can. It’s commensurate with dementia. I did The Times quiz with her. She got a couple right, but the rest despite my heavy hinting, were beyond her capabilities.

I spent almost the whole day reading - The Times and some gaming books.

I went to Nerys’s in the evening. Ben came down and joined in with us for a bit but he is 14 so comms are predominantly offline till further notice. Tomos the puppy is mad, in a good way. I wish I was a dog.

I drank 4 cans of Clwb Tropica to Nerys’s one gin and tonic.

Wednesday

More insane dreams. This one was about a remote holiday destination in the North of Scotland. When we got there we found it was impossible to return. Other groups were there - all of us in the same large house. They hadn’t aged at all and were wearing contemporary clothing, but listened to music of a bygone age - waving a Tremeloes album at each other excitedly, as though it had just come out for the first time. There were other parts to the building where the ghost of a little girl ran about an abandoned theatre like a zephyr. It was all mental, but better than most films I’ve seen in years.

I’ll have to start rating my dreams. I mean this one was easily 9/10.

I had a decent bit of toast and lovely coffee, then went to town. I didn’t leave the house yesterday and it was very bright outside. I wore sunglasses and kept my noise-cancelling headphones on as it was market day. I felt overloaded - bombarded - with noise and visual information. 

I wanted to sit down and have a drink. I went to a cafe I’d previously written a bad review for. The same passive/aggressive person I’d witnessed serving was still there: so much for the effectiveness of my 2* review.

I walked out (there is never any impetus for speed in this part of Somerset except when driving through country lanes) and went to The Crown and sat outside with a refreshing pint of orange juice and lemonade. Admittedly I have even less patience than ever with my condition.

Trina (manager) came outside to say hello and we exchanged pleasantries. That was nice.

I walked home via the moat and Tor Woods and came back for lunch. I clearly don’t want to spend much time walking around Wells which is the opposite of the last time I was here. I also want to be on my own and find having conversations with my parents difficult.

Funnily enough I was overdue a trough in my condition and this is it, though oddly my typing of this has been rather effortless. Funny in the bar chart of traits and abilities what goes down at any given time.