Yes, we're ALL Neurodivergent now

 What's your diagnosis?

Many of us have got a diagnosis these days. Lots of adults are being diagnosed rightly or wrongly with ADHD. There are lots of people on the autistic spectrum too. It seems to be getting larger. It's almost galactic in its proportions these days.

It's easy to dismiss all these things now as the latest hook to hang your coat on, as though we're all automatons devoid of free-will and and our neurological make-up is to blame for any discrepancies in our behaviour and societal misdeeds. 

Our behaviour is usually a mixture of nature and nurture, though we still have the fight or flight from our reptilian brain, there to keep us alive in extreme circumstances.

And while it's easy to mock the trendy new penchant for diagnoses later on in life, it doesn't half give you some relief. What I mean is, it can go someway to explain why you are who you are.

Disclaimer: I'm not a trans person. I've always been happy in my body and never for one moment doubted I was a male. However, I do exhibit a lot of classically non-masculine behaviours. Masking is one of them.

As a child I felt very awkward socially. What I said wouldn't go down well with the other kids - I was a follower not a leader. I was a cry-baby, and the following of others became outright copying.

A kid came to the school and I really wanted to be his friend. He seemed so confident and life was just easy for him - I thought. I don't know how he put up with me to be honest. I would have been a bit freaked out. The only things I didn't copy in the end were his taste in music (all that Goth crap!) and I couldn't get my hair to do what his did.

There were other kids I tried to be like too. But I wasn't tough or working-class or good at sport. So I didn't fit in with them either. 

I just wanted to draw things and play with Lego and play Dungeons and Dragons.

Why did I never fit in to one 'friendship group' as they call them now? To be honest I never saw the need for social cliques and I didn't really understand them, but I knew I ought to be in one. I would look at them and think - well, I like these people, and she's nice from that group - he's a nice person in that group, but you have to choose a group or you're an outsider. If you do choose a group you then like 3 of the people but the other 3 are arseholes and you just have to put up with them. 6 to one and all that.

So when I went to art school I reinvented myself with long hair (which I'd I'd always wanted) and trying to be cool, which tbh I wasn't very good at. I guess I was a late bloomer so when I was older (out of school) I was a lot more popular with the girls, which was nice. But it was all a bit of an act.

You're probably asking what does all this bollocks have to do with neurodiversity? Here's a list of my worst traits.

• Easily-distracted: can't concentrate on 70% of lessons, can't even start to revise, loathe exam times, can't read a book, 
• Lack of concentration: silly mistakes, lack of focus, 
• Copying others, behaviour, dress-sense, style,
• Oversharing, inappropriate information, too much information, wrong time, wrong place, faux-pas
• Inappropriate behaviour, saying the wrong thing, being outrageous, being obnoxious
• Oversensitive cry-baby, stress-monkey, worrisome, sleep-deprived, self-loathing
• Insensitive -smart-ass, gob-shite, harsh, hurtful

That's me. Now I'm not trained in any of this and I haven't had any diagnosis other than that of FTD, but I share a lot of the above traits with people with ADHD and those on the Autistic-Spectrum and seemingly always have done since I was little.

And while I may or may not have ADHD or be on the spectrum, at least by analysing myself and identifying the above, the elephant in the room is there for me to see it. Now I know its there I can train myself to be in the moment and identify when it is operating and either stop it or work around it. It's actually really handy for the person, not as an excuse as though to say "Yes, sorry I was being an arsehole - it's my neurodiversity" rather like the drunk would blame the bottle, but to acknowledge the signs and signifiers of behaviours and either mitigate for them or withdraw myself from a situation.

It's actually really pleasing to have this - it makes life easier and it makes liking myself a lot easier too. I'm kind and sweet-natured most of the time. I'm perceptive, a relatively original thinker and I am a very good judge of character. I'm an oddball and many of my friends are oddballs and characters. I'll help anyone who's a friend. I'm generous with my time and money. I'm all right in other words.

It's all right being a weirdo, oddball, nerd. In fact it's actually rather good.

The End of Dungeon Mastering

I've been running 2 campaigns for months and months. In fact, my Monday online group has been in the same campaign for over 2 years. But both are ending pretty much in the next couple of weeks, and I will be a player once more.

I'm a little worried that my brain will atrophy quicker now I will be sitting back letting someone else do all the hard work DMing, with all the planning, research and writing involved.

I have 2 new characters I want to use: a gnome wizard called Bibble Babble, and a Gloomstalker Ranger/Assassin for the longer in-person Sunday campaign.

Not to be confused with Babble Bibble!

I can't wait.

I will be back to DM though. It's been really good and I think I am a better Dungeon Master than I was before. You never stop learning, despite the fact you may have a leak in the knowledge banks...

Holidays in Dementialand

Pubs

I was doing really well. We’d had a funeral, 2 big walks, meals out. I had coped with all the new people, the crowds (the hustle, bustle, noises and so forth) and then after a not very good meal we decided to go to the pub nearest to the restaurant - the best pub in town too.

Suddenly lots of people. I thought it would be relatively quiet on a Tuesday. The people we were with knew a couple at the bar - they went back years. Hugs, bon homie, chitter-chatter, old friends and everything that entails.

Something in me switched. I can’t grasp what exactly but I went very silent, looking everywhere else but the conversation. I went outside for 5 minutes but that didn’t do anything except leave me feeling colder. 

I guess I was hoping the four of us from the restaurant would be on our own having a quiet chat. I just wasn’t expecting there to be new people joining us. I don’t know why this is so difficult. It seems I slip a gear when this happens and can’t get going again. 

I guess I don’t cope well with the unexpected anymore

So I stayed there, in that space.

The old me would have tried to join in the conversation but like a roundabout going too fast I just couldn’t get the timing right to grab a hold and be part of it all. Nor, if I’m honest, did I have the inclination to even want to try.

The people at the bar were friendly enough. It’s just the dementia.

I think our friends felt awkward with my behaviour and I’m sorry about that. It’s not something I can do much about anymore, and some episodes are worse than others.

Oh god, it’s him…

Shopping

I woke up this morning and J and I decided to do some shopping. The feeling from last night was still there, as I entered shops with music playing and people milling about; lots of voices. I was finding the whole thing just slightly overwhelming. 

I put on my Sunflower lanyard.

(I’m never sure if people know what it means.)

Anyway, I tried on some approach shoes and while they fitted my weird feet, I didn’t like the styles. I don’t know about you (and why would I?) but some seasons I buy nothing as I find the styles and colours pretty ghastly. 

I had neglected to pack enough hiking t-shirts due to dimness/dementia, so I did buy 2 hiking t-shirts (cotton T’s can get uncomfortable on a long hike) with Jacqui’s help. I then said that we should abort the shopping sortie as it was just a fruitless exercise.

I’m now writing this. This evening we are going out once more to a restaurant. It will be fine. This sort of thing just happens now and again.

I’m just looking forward for it to pass over so I can return to the new normal. 

It can take days however.

My Neurological Diversity, innit?

Someone I was at school with sent me a friend invite after viewing my profile on Facebook. We didn’t really know each other very well, but she had read my blog and a lot of it had resonated with her. Amongst other things she had been diagnosed with autism. She said if she had not known she would have thought I was writing about autism - especially the need to wear dark glasses and noise-cancelling headphones bit.

We compared notes and have had similar experiences socially all our lives; not really fitting in to any one group, saying the wrong thing/ faux pas, and more. 

Yes, I know everyone does. 

But they really don’t.

It was very interesting anyway, and good to have a new friend to understand/empathise with.