Sunday, December 10, 2023

Existential angst while unconscious

That empty feeling you have when waking up

 My conscious life is fine. Ambling along, my day consists of few real topics of concern or responsibilities:

  • D&D this and that...
  • Is the Baldur's Gate 3 patch ready for Macs yet? 
  • Haven't heard from Mark for a while. 
  • Oh good, someone I don't like is nearly dead.
  • Oh my god - some dice I've ordered have gone to my old address. (Crisis situation.)
But in my dreams all manner of things are playing out. My true underlying anxieties in other words.

Back in an old job given an impossibly boring and incomprehensible task to do. Sacked but still coming in and deeply unpopular, I feign work whilst feeling the ire of those colleagues who I equally resent.

Or I'm retaking my A-levels and haven't been to a single lesson.

Blanked by neighbours I knew for 8 years of my life.

(These are all dreams by the way.)

"Geraint Davies - A Life Wasted."

The huge duvet is often nearly on the floor when I awake, pillows have rearranged themselves, teeth ground and groggy semi-consciousness. 

Had I not been the angst-filled kid I was, I may have climbed higher, had more ambition, more...greed?

As a result I am here writing this aged 54 in my parents' house.

At least I have wonderful handwriting and know the correct use of the apostrophe. 

That'll set you up for life, they said. 


I then found my Sertraline pills from yesterday which I'd put out but neglected to take. 

Perhaps that is the reason for this post's existence?

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