Gaming Holiday 2023

Missing Wilbur

Back to Moreton in Marsh for our (Kingston Games Group) annual holiday. 

Beautiful place. Gently undulating landscape, Cotswold drystone walls and strongly built chocolate-box cottages, lovely pubs selling the local ales at under £4 a pint. I can understand why so many people want to move here. 

This is the first one where I’ve had to take public transport (no car to call my own anymore) from Bristol Temple Meads - 2 changes and 2 hours through the Gloucestershire and Worcestershire countryside - to get picked up by Trevor - the patriarch and sole-grown-up of the group. Trevor organises it each year, as well as the barbecue which he pretty much single-handedly cooks. He pays for it all himself and then waits patiently for the drip-drip of gamers’ money to fill his bank account up again.

This is also the first one where your pal and mine, Wilbur the cocker spaniel, hasn’t come. Last year the greedy bugger discovered the composting area at the farm here, ate his bodyweight in rotten food, then threw it up in the early hours in my bedroom. 

Wilbur in an historical environment

What fun!

He loved his holiday here on the farm and he fitted in very well with almost everyone. One of the lads really. Now I live in the West we don’t see each other so often but I’m looking forward to seeing him in a fortnight.

I still love him.

I’m still an Idiot, you know

So last night we went to the local pub for a few drinks and a hearty feed. We came back, and I came back to my room to drop some stuff off, then saw a text on my phone, which I started to read AS I walked in the pitch black on the farm, NOT LOOKING where I was going and FORGETTING the concrete steps which I promptly stumbled down, turning my ankle quite badly.

Having a relatively dainty frame and flat feet I’ve done this all my life - twists, sprains - but I knew this was a baddish one even with 3 pints in me.

So, foot up, 20mins with ice, 20 minutes without, repeat as necessary. Or until bored, as in this case.

I came back to bed and took an age to get comfortable. In the end a grippy, walking sock gave sufficient support as a Tubigrip so I was able to eventually fall asleep and thankfully get 8 hours. 

There’s an ankle in there somewhere…

I woke up and the rest had done it a lot of good, although coming down steps is considerably more problematic than walking up them.

It’s very annoying as I have dogs to walk and belongings to move. I hope it gets better soon or I will be a very curmudgeonly bollock indeed.

And no one wants that.

The Gaming itself

I’ve run a Dungeon Crawl Classics game and played in a Marvel RPG system where I was environmental health officer Colin Grub, who would turn into… ROACH BOY! Colin has an unending capacity for refined sugar and is as interesting as beige on a grey day. But my god he is difficult to catch.

In Traveller I played Simon Smee, antipodean fitness fanatic and wellness coach, with a secret….”but for the now I’ve mixed a lovely seaweed and lentil smoothy with your name on it!”

The only non-RPG or as they call them “Board games” I play is Marvel United. It is wonderfully clever in it’s concept and devised by mathematicians. It’s deceptively simple and utterly addictive.

Marvel United with 2 of my ‘groovy’ friends

I’ve learned I can’t game like I used to - 5 hours max. Some of the guys here can go for 10 hours plus. FTD has put paid to that. Too tired by half.

The Middle East

Oh gosh. The horror of recent events in Israel. That part of the world has always been on fire. They call it The Holy Land but it seems to have been the centre for the most unholy of acts for millennia. 

I had an Arabic girlfriend for years. Her best friend was Jewish. They wisely avoided talk of Middle-East politics.

I’ve always steered clear of Middle East politics as you hear so much conflicting information and I don’t feel qualified to take sides - it’s all so partisan. Unless I was deeply involved in the politics at the ground level it’s difficult to make head nor tail of what’s going on, let alone who started what. So like a lot of people I shake my head and try to ignore the simplistic good/bad arguments.

Terrible things happen on both sides, but reading about Hamas and the mind-bendingly evil things Hamas did at the Kabbutz and at the pop festival, how anyone can take pleasure at the butchery of innocent civilians under the flag of freedom or any political colour is beyond me.

And now Israel retaliates by carpet-bombing Gaza. Just hell on earth.

Coming back to the UK/Europe/US, the amount of flagrant anti-semitism you hear or see these days is at an all-time high. I can’t remember any period in my lifetime when Jews have been talked about in this way, their graves desecrated, verbally abused quite openly in the streets and their businesses vandalised.

I always come back to my view that the internet IS Pandora’s Box. We gave a green light to everything good and bad, but it seems at the moment most of it is just hatred.

It really is extremely depressing.

And finally…

I want to walk Tomos when I get back but it may have to wait a few days due to ankle-related dumbness. Annoying. I need dogs in my life. 

They’re better than humans. 

They don’t judge you for a start.

Sinister Cardigans

Koumpounophobia

What a vile and ungodly vestment it is. Dangling Buitoni from lank wool. Draping and infecting table tops and brushing the vile fastening objects against other humans as the wearer reaches over them. Ghastly.

Yes. The Cardigan. The passion-killer excel.

I know why I hate them so. A slovenly dangling item of clothing with those bits of which-I-cannot-speak dangling. Dangling!! 

I gagged on a large button when I was a little kid. Since then I've hated buttons and cardigans.

And there's an advert for Muller Lite on at the moment and the woman playing the teacher is wearing the MOST EGREGIOUS example of this vile garment.

No. You can't see it. It's just too awful.

How dare they!

I'm a proud button-phobic. Out and proud. So there.

Harvey Keitel

Divorce. Don't know if you've seen Marriage Story - why would I? I don't even know you. But it's great. It stars Adam Driver and Scarlett Johansson and it portrays the divorce between 2 lovely people whose relationship has just run out of steam. Both are going different places and they need to split in order to fulfil their needs.

The characters are beautiful - the way they are written and portrayed, you love them both. They are lovely people. But then one of them under advice from a friend enlists a hotshot lawyer, and things get both expensive and ugly. You care so much about the couple and their little boy too. It's a heart-rending watch, but worth it.

 What am I telling you this for? And what's with Harvey Keitel? Well, he was interviewed once and was asked why he always plays violent characters. He disagreed with the assertion - in fact, he explained that these are ordinary people in extremely violent situations. To me, that was a revelation. But it seems obvious now. As the viewer, you don't care about a 2D character going round being violent, but if that character has people he or she loves, a job, a home, has lost, is under extreme pressure and is trying to survive, then we have more chance of caring about them and what happens to them. 

In a divorce, 2 decent, kind, caring people go through a situation which is potentially highly adversarial, where past misdemeanours are dragged up and misspeaking and misunderstanding just lead to hurt and anger.

We are not using lawyers, have an agreement and are both trying to be kind. FTD doesn't help, but I am feeling optimistic about the future J and I will have as friends and family.

Hives

My old friend Sertaline certainly seems to have suppressed much conscious stress recently. However I have had a breakout of hives. Initially I feared they may be bed bugs or fleas, but there are no incision marks and they are not linear like bed bug bites, and they followed no great pattern of eating new food or different laundry detergent.

Stress 

Still, they itched like hell and I was popping Piritons like Smarties. I also had a very concerned pharmacist prescribe me a hydrocortisone cream.

They came and they went. Almost like a cartoon bump -push it down and it comes up again or appears somewhere else on the body.

Eventually I realised with a few sleepless nights that it wasn't a creature or creatures, nor any allergic reaction, but stress. 

And now thankfully, they are retreating.

Ikea

Never been into interior design. I must have order though, so adequate filing and storage is a must.

So I've been in the process of transforming my old childhood bedroom into an office/lounge space.

Now to deal with the other half of the room...

Things have been taken to the dump, charity shops and the attic. More stuff to follow when I move the rest of my stuff back in late October. Luckily I have very little to pack as I've mainly lived in boxes all these years.

Lots of stuff will go on Ebay, other stuff to charity and the rest either in storage or the dump. But I love the catharsis that comes with down-sizing. De-cluttering rocks. I feel lighter when I've done it. It cleanses the spirit.

I'm one of those people who can't relax unless I've completed the tasks in front of me.

D&D Update

So I'm still going back to London at the weekend to continue our quest against the rise of Elemental Evil...

God it's good. It's sooooo good. We've gone from a thriving village of Homlett with its goodly folk, where we did smote evil at its roots, and did so with great zeal and panache. 

But now we are in the trickier and downright antithesis of Homlett - Nulb. Populated by thieves, cutthroats, harlots and copious other ne'er do-wells. We have to watch our backs the whole time.

It's brilliant.

The Monday online campaign was great, and I'm looking forward to Thursday evening where I'm running the wilderness section of my campaign for the Wells players. I'm loving it.

I also have Baldur's Gate 3 which I've started, and also a solo 5E adventure which looks terrific.

And I'm on our annual gaming holiday on Friday for a week in the Cotswolds.

Life has its compensations.

What's a demented to do?

Driving me nuts

Last week I drove with Dad to Ystradgynlais for a friend's funeral. It was the daughter of his violin teacher. We shared the driving as Dad is old but still drives well. I was very pleased with my driving although I was very tired by the end of it as it required a lot of concentrating, I'm not used to driving long distances, and I have FTD of course.

It was quite warm, but being in an air-conditioned car was blissful. I didn't go to the cremation itself but did go to the wake. Lots of people. I got stuck with 2 women who talked at length about how well their respective daughters were doing - a musician and a chemist I think. People always like to show off about their kids. Thing is, if you don't know them you don't care, unless they sound really, really interesting. You just nod politely feigning interest, or you might think it's your turn to talk about yours. 

I guess it's a child-off situation.

It was fine though - just an observation. People like to live vicariously through their child's achievements. I guess at best it's pride.

Reminds me of those Oxbridge types who within 10 minutes of meeting them drop "when I was at Balliol...."into the conversation. Quite an achievement to get to Oxbridge, until you meet some of the numbnuts who went there at the BBC in London.

And of course there are those who say Oxford when they mean the polytechnic, and are quite happy for you to think the grander option.

And for the record I don't give a toss where you went.

D.I.V.O.R.C.E.

So J and I are going to do this amicably. I'm obviously not going to go into details but we are still good friends. 

Everyone thinks I must be upset but I'm not. It just brings to an end an unhappy last few years of marriage. We've agreed terms too. 

Of course you start a marriage with the best of intentions - wanting the other person to feel fulfilled and as content as possible. I wanted J to feel fulfilled and when she left teaching and went back to being a management consultant it was like watching a dormant V8 roar into life. It was amazing. 

But we got married too soon.

I guess it's just 'get it done' now. 

I slept really well last night, so I'm thinking it must be the right thing.

So what of the future? I certainly don't want or crave another relationship. It's not fair on the other person to burden them with my illness, plus I don't think I can accommodate anyone with my current neurological issues, particularly my total tack of empathy and emotional numbness, the latter probably exacerbated by the Setraline. 

I've never been very good at relationships because I didn't particularly like myself for large parts of my adulthood, and you of course have to like yourself in order to like someone else. Or even love them.

But for now I'm quite content just being me on my lonesome.

I just had a chat with J. It's funny that the pressure seems to be off and now we seem much more vulnerable with each other. Which is nice.

(Insert daft comment)

'We do for cash'

I always remember that phrase in a heavily Greek accent from my time working in the office of a day spa in Kensington. 

Fact is I need some pocket money. Ideas:

1. Assembling flat-packed furniture for the Eloi
2. Mineral-based construction solutions (handyman who doesn't touch plumbing or electrics).
3. Er...

Any ideas please leave in the comments section.

Must get on with writing

I have to keep this blog going. You see I can waste days looking at YouTube - what has Donald Trump said now, ditto Marjory Taylor-Green (MTG), and the trashy Lauren Boebert getting thrown out of a Denver Theatre. Rugby League, Rugby Union, Mark Chopper Read, boxing, MMA...

Good just to listen to music and write. Perhaps this is the way forward.

Fat bollock

I am a fat bollock. I am. And it's all to do with beer - the only drug that tastes nice. Drinking way too much beer and every night. It's not good and I have the belly to prove it. It doesn't augur well for my 60s (should I get there, less some Soviet satellite fall on my head while gardening one day) so I should, nay MUST, cut down drastically. Just drink at pubs when in the company of others - not buy any and bring it home. 

I have a very indulgent personality...

I've suffered for my art - now it's your turn

The trouble with sofa-surfing

They say once your back goes it's never the same afterwards. Evolution has not completed its task in other words.

A few years ago I was working at a squillion-pound mansion in Wimbledonia and the muscles in my back became inflamed and I had to take a couple of weeks off work.

Staying at a friend's on his sofa on Sunday night then coming back and sleeping on a soft bed, the mattress of which is probably in need of replacement, and I had to roll out of the bed onto the floor this morning. I can feel knotted muscle under my shoulder-blades and need to stretch out and do some yoga poses. 

I'm feeling a bit dim today tbh. Even by my standards. Typing is rubbish. I guess I've had a tiring couple of days with travel, gaming and poor sleep. 

Oh poor me! Lol

But it's just that you get doubly tired with dementia. And you don't realise.

I was in my FTD group this morning and after an hour I rudely said I was bored. I didn't actually mean bored - but I was tired and couldn't concentrate. Listless would probably have been a better description, and less offensive to Gill who was telling us something important to her.

FTD strikes again.

My Dad's better than your Dad

Dad picked me up at the station on Monday. It's lovely. He's such a kind fellow.

We walked to the car and I was surprised as he had a courtesy car so we got into a sleek black Mercedes instead of the older silver model I was expecting.

We drove over to the Mercedes garage where his car was ready after being serviced. We walked in there, my 82 year old dad with brown socks, shoes, khaki shorts and a shirt tucked in, and me in shorts, shades, black trainers and a Buff on me 'ead.

I announced to the woman serving us - "We are the best dressed men in Somerset." 

I'm great, me.

A customer in her (this is relevant) 50s had been waiting longer than us and was rather unhappy. She interrupted the woman serving us to tell her how long she's been waiting. 

Dad said "She was a teenager when she arrived." 

So bloody rude but bloody funny. I guess that's where I get my faux pas from.

Air conditioning rocks by the way. (All transport over the past 36 hours.)

Living in Somerset is a good prescription

I'm living in Wells. It's pretty chilled. Some people have come back to live here and I need to make a diary appointment to have a coffee with them. 

I have a lovely D&D group of strangers who seem to have all gelled immediately. I should probably do the same with them.

But rather like dating - when is the right time to contact them? Should you wait for them to make the first play? Ostensibly, you want to position yourself somewhere between being a stalker and Jonny-no-mates. Not too creepy and not too aloof.

I guess just reach out as maybe everyone thinks like this?

Nevertheless, I am really relaxed.

I no longer enjoy shopping so I have things delivered. Like my Buffs from Germany, or flip-flops from The Netherlands. Hurrah for the 21st Century.

I like a Buff, me.

But it's too bloody hot. Feel sorry for the kids going back to school on the hottest week since June. Buffs and flip-flops are the way to go. And shorts. I can't wear anything else in this damned heat. And a t-shirt of course.

OF course.

Here I am modelling a Buff. And a t-shirt. And glasses.

You wanna get wiv this? You wanna get wiv this??

Sorry - I'm boring myself now.

Mark Hardyman is down today which is great, and we shall see Nerys and Tomos this evening.

I love you and goodbye.

Footnote:

The title of this post is a quote from the one and only Neil Innes.

New World Order Update

Return to Castle Cary please.

Back in Wells after the week away in London and its environs. It was nice being so chilled.

By contrast the train journey was horrible. I had my headphones on but there were people, kids, young people everywhere.

Ghastly.

It was loud and overcrowded and the train was running late. I had a bloke's arse in my face as he fumbled about with his luggage, phone charger and his dog for what seemed like ages.

Having had a good week where I felt almost normal again, this put the cat amongst the pigeons. I took gulps of air and fidgeted, rocking back and forth like Arthur Fowler.

It was great to finally get out of the train with Dad waiting for me on the platform.

Pandas

Looks like I'll be here in Somerset for the next few months, all the while travelling back to London on the weekends to take part in Larry's Dungeons and Dragons campaign. We had a 6 hour session last Sunday - it was great. We are kicking ass, as our gods intended. All the while the atmosphere ramps up as the intrigue increases. 

Can't wait for Sunday.

I also can't wait for Thursdays (which are the new Tuesdays...) where my Wells D&D team will undertake their second instalment of The Sunless Citadel. What a nice bunch of people they are too. Great to get a friendly team together so quickly. It's not always easy getting such a group together...

The online 'community'

...and we have 2 parts women to 4 parts men. Which is great. Mixed is always best.

Dogs

Everywhere I go there are dogs. Bisto the brown lab, Tomos the cocker spaniel, Sealyham Stan, 'My Main Man' Chippy the dachshund,  and Greedy Wilbur the walking gob and stomach.

I love dogs. In fact I love animals. Which is why I feel such a hypocrite when it comes to food. We must be the only animals who feel guilt about our natural omnivorousness. 

Apart from Pandas maybe. They're apparently omnivorous but have chosen to eat only bamboo, which they have to eat non-stop to get their required nutrition.

Maybe they're just dumb. Which would account for why they're dying out.

Anyway, having a dog means you always meet people, especially when he's a friendly, cute 5 month old spaniel. So I'm making lots of new acquaintances in Wells through Tomos. 

Which is nice as most of the old acquaintances aren't up to much. Luckily I've grown a sporran on my face to disguise me.

Tomos et moi

Do I still have dementia?

I feel really good. I'm doing a word puzzle on my phone which is crazy-addictive, and I'm pretty fast at it too. I'm reading the news, reading D&D books, listening to podcasts, music - fusion and prog (which aren't easy listens), my typing is getting better, my speech is more fluent with strangers, although I guess only because the subject matter is restricted to dogs or the weather. 

Could I be recovering from FTD? Did I have another ailment over the top of it that I have recovered from?

To put things in perspective, it would be interesting to see what my behaviour is like without 100mgs of Sertraline every day. Also I still stare out of the window when the subject matter isn't something I'm interested in. And the subject matter I am interested in is world politics, D&D and other TTRPGs (tabletop role-playing games), rugby, US politics, animals, er...I'm struggling now. 

Music, as long as it's difficult as all hell and had its heyday in the early 70s.

I guess I'm really chilled at the moment. The train ride was nearly problematic for me, but I've learned to deal with stressful situations by taking deep breaths, closing my eyes and telling myself it won't last forever.

The long and the short of it is my initial pessimism was misplaced: I think I'm going to be around a lot longer than I thought.

Well, I may get hit by a bus tomorrow but you get the idea.

Disclaimer

There's stuff I can't tell you on here which is a major factor on my current situation, but this is out of my control. Sorry to be cryptic; I'm as honest as I can be but I have to be economical with the truth for the sake of others.

The New Age

Back to London

So on Sunday Dad drove me to the bus station with my suitcase and backpack to get the coach to Hammersmith. Just like being a teenager again. 

It should have been in Wells by 8.55 but it didn’t get in until 9.20, which meant we hit the traffic on the A303 (past Stonehenge) and arrived in Hammersmith at 13.00. I then missed my connection to Norbiton and was late for D&D at The Willoughby. 

(I get quite flustered and stressed by the thought of travel these days, but I never used to when I was , er, normal. Still, I still have the wherewithal to travel on my own, get tickets and plan an itinerary.)

It was great to see the pub so full. Rick, the landlord, has been brilliant to us gamers and allowed us to play on Sundays and Tuesdays as well as storing bulky terrain. Covid was like a nuclear winter to the hospitality industry so it’s great to see a renaissance in customer numbers. We’re regularly numbering 20-30 on Sundays upstairs, and now the Premiership has restarted customers were abundant.

It was great to be back in Greyhawk again (I’m talking about the D&D session now) where we encountered more cultists, but don’t worry: we killed them :)

Did I tell you I now have a group of D&Ders back in Wells? They are fantastic and we started a session last week. They are super nice and super enthusiastic. I can’t wait for the next session, but more to come on that.

Woken by scuttlin’

I stayed at Adrian’s house on Sunday night. I stayed in the room where he keeps all his exotic pets - you know the types, Amazonian tree frogs, hermit crabs, spiders, poisonous toads. 

My new bestie.

I put in my earplugs, put on my eye mask and went to sleep. I slept for ages only to be woken up at 3.30 by very loud scuttling of the hermit crabs in a tank. Little buggers.

The older I get the more I love nature. The yellow and black dart frogs are fascinating and beautiful - and barely 40mm long. The toad (about 50-60mm) has a bright yellow belly which I didn’t get to see which it bares to predators to say “ I die - we both die!” 

The hermit crabs so alien and weird  - scuttlin’ bastards. Fascinating nonetheless - picking up discarded shells as their new homes. Isn’t nature ceaselessly amazing? 

The Light Newspaper

Whilst in Wells, my friend Mark was visiting his Mother there. We were in The Crown, which - as anyone who enters there will be aware as it’s rather shouty about it - featured in the Edgar Wright film, Hot Fuzz.

We were enjoying a pint and Mark found a copy of The Light, secreted somewhere as though hidden with the intention it be found like a dirty magazine!

If you’re not aware of it The Light newspaper is a conspiratorial rag were QAnon theories meet the New Age. All MSM (Mainstream Media) is part of the deep state, scientists are too, 5G masts are there to activate the Covid vaccinations within us, and the usual stuff about Jews. 

This piece of toilet paper is sold on Glastonbury High Street, and I’m told the vendors are quite aggressive if you don’t buy a copy - which reminds me of Scientologists when you question their ‘religion’.

I left this particular copy with Adrian, and while we may laugh at its contents, there are enough lunatics who believe the wildfires on Maui were government made in order to clear the whole island so they can build a new ‘Smart City’ and control us all.

Despite the fact there is ZERO evidence to back any of this SHIT up.

Slumming it in Hertfordshire

I’m spending this week with my friends in Herts. They have a beautiful house, the sun is streaming down, and dragonflies, butterflies and buzzing insects are abundant.  In the distance past the swing hanging from a branch, Canadian Geese munch the grass. A lone swan and coot swim in the river by the weir, periodically a kite and a buzzard vie for airspace.

I’m sat at the magnificent dining table made by family friend Jim Distortion of Metal Machine UK. To my right is the beautiful designer kitchen. Bisto the enormous brown Labrador is somewhere around…

I made this promotional video earlier. Take a look: 

Another 3 days of this. Ghastly.

Then a few days in Kingston where I will see Jacqui and the dogs. Apparently Tomos is already missing me. 

I love dogs, but I’m also blessed with very kind human friends.

New Life/Old Life

There and back again...

So here I am in Wells. I'll be here for the foreseeable few months - possibly for the rest of the year. I'm in the process of acclimatising. I haven't really spoken to the locals yet. There's a kind of passive/aggressiveness you get in some of the shops here - as though you're in their house, their rules, and you'd better watch out - that you don't get so much of in cities. 

Big fish in small ponds and all that. 

You also get boy racers whose exhaust pipes are considerably more expensive than the cars they're attached to.

I guess I'm prejudiced about my old home town. Most of us who went to the cities are. That's part of the reason we left in the first place.

Gaming

I will be going back to London frequently, in fact from Sunday 13th August I'll be overnighting it weekly for gaming purposes. I'll also be visiting friends around the South East and other far-off places too.

I've also got D&G on Mondays (D&D for dyslexics) which we play on Zoom.

However, I am going to be spending the midweek in Wells so I need to do some gaming. My sister put me onto the local community Facebook group and already we have a very enthusiastic posse of people who wish to play D&D, and a venue too.

That's a pretty good start I'd say.

Threads

Anyone joined this? It's like Facebook with strangers. It's for the most part rather anodyne in comparison to the highly toxic 'X', formerly known as Twitter. 

I searched for 'Dementia' on there to see what was going on. Some Americans calling themselves 'The Dementia Guru' and such like. I'm sure they'd give Professor Warren a run for his money. (Joke.)

I get very annoyed at people setting themselves up like this - as though they're experts without any qualifications or true expertise, and give out advice like:

"Tomorrow is another day."

"Overthinking will lead to sadness."

"Your thoughts affect your moods."

Sadly, people lap this tripe up.

I was going to give up on Threads but I saw a famous person on there who was undergoing brain-mapping as she'd suffered brain fog and tinnitus for years. 

'Hey! Join the gang.' I thought. I told her about my situation and wished her well and said I was interested to see the results. She got back to me with a lovely reply wishing me well too. 

She has a reputation as an absolutely lovely person and I saw no reason to disbelieve it. 

Needless to say certain family members are rather 'jel' at my new friendship! Lol.

I am that shallow, as it turns out.

Dogs

My sister has a lovely cocker spaniel puppy. He let me walk him up through Wells - no one other than my sister has managed to get him further than the end of the drive.

We got on really well.

One of my dog friends.

I need dogs in my life. I'm missing the 3 at home - lazy Wilbur, sweet, barky Chip and stubborn Stan. It's lovely every time you come downstairs in the morning or back from whatever and they're so pleased to see you.

They give you love and exercise. And that's great.

I also need to sort out swimming although I'm a bit hesitant as I haven't been for years. 

More to come, hopefully more regularly.

Podcast with Dementia and Co

Fellow Nudists...

Just a short one today to promote this podcast with Alison and Jamie from Dementia and Co. I was very honoured to be asked to contribute.

These 2 are based in Singapore and we met through East Kent Dementia Support, ironically. I overshared a bit and they patiently cut the stuff out at my request. So here it is.

All Change!

 Communications Hub

Oh dear me. I seem to be the reason everyone is upset. Well I don't seem - I AM the reason. Having wanted to mitigate for any possible confrontation which I would have found unbearable to deal with, I decided to be the conduit of communications between J and my parents and sister while keeping everyone apart. 

Big mistake.

In my efforts to mitigate any potential conflict, I ended up getting rather confused and my worries became truths. 

For reasons I can't at present go into, it's been deemed best that I go to live in Wells for a bit with Mum and Dad. They are good, solid reasons too.

You may have gathered that I'm not very good at planning or thinking of the future in any way. It doesn't compute in my head and I also find when I visualise the future it's not a nice place. How can it be?

So a combination of panic about the future, trying to mitigate potential conflicts, and keeping people who should be talking apart has led to mistrust between people and a lot of hurt.

This was obviously not my intention, but I guess my declining cognitive faculties and general risk avoidance makes me the least appropriate Director of Comms there could be.

For example, when I explained things to my parents about 'the situation' at home, their natural reaction was to become very protective of me and side with me. Things at this point get a little muddy for me. I remember trying to explain the situation and everyone getting really uppity and adversarial. So I joined in too. I was scared and confused. So many things had been said, ideas and various solutions, which was the end one? My brain was scrambled. 

It also appears I am more fickle than I used to be.

Events cascaded until J suggested a Zoom call with everyone. The lead-up was very stressful as I was expecting fireworks, but it has quelled the storm and clear lines of communication have reopened, with me on the touchline cheering on. I still give my thoughts, but it's clear I'm not to be trusted! 

I don't even trust me anymore.

The Future

I am going to be living in Somerset for the next few months at the end of July/early August, to give everyone here a break. However I want to come back to Kingston every weekend to play D&D though, but it will mean staying in a Premier Inn or on someone's floor.

That's okay.

As long as I can get to see my friends  - I've lived in London for most of my life and the densest population of friends is here in and around London - I'll be happy. I have a couple of friends in Wells too, my sister and Mum and Dad, and other friends in Bristol and Cardiff. I shall have to jump on the train and visit them!

You have been warned...

But I will have to make a life in Wells too. There are gamers everywhere so it shouldn't be too difficult. I shall be upfront about my dementia, and I am still a good player and DM. And gamers are an inclusive bunch. 

I also have the games holiday to look forward to in October.

And it would still be nice to go on walking holidays with J and Ben and Dr Becks.

But I shall miss both my human and dog friends very much.

Fly Swatting Update

I have swatted dozens of flies now. I have divided them in 2 groups: alpha flies and rubbish flies. Rubbish flies hang around in the kitchen and are quite small. They are easy to swat. They are slow and congregate together. They are rubbish.

Alpha flies are big and very aggressively buzzy. They are large and black and very fast and agile. I lock myself in to a room with one and with Wilbur we hunt the varmint down. The great advantage of hunting with Wilbur is that once the fly has been swatted Wilbur then eats the fly. 

It does involve standing on chairs and sofas and bashing curtains to activate the flies from their slumber. NEVER GIVE THEM TIME TO REST! 

Notes from deep inside the bunker #1

Monday

 I arrived in Castle Cary on Monday. The train was only 5 carriages with none of the usual electronic signs indicating the seats were booked, which they were. What ensued was chaos. 3 rather nice but dim pensioners were sat where I was supposed to be. Once the booking notices came live in the carriage I tried explaining the situation to them but they were either doing their best impressions of Private Godfrey from Dad’s Army or as I strongly suspected, they were the genuine article.

Average commuter to Hungerford

Despite my sunflower lanyard on display, I ended up moving 3 times over the course of the journey as others with a booked seat took their places. I thought they were too old to move so let them off, but I still think they were cxxts.

Lots of good-natured Glastonbury festival goers too - these are the people who will be working in the catering tents, hospitality, and all the other stalls. 

Played our session zero for the new Monday D&D game DM’d by Sa. Short but sweet. Must work on my character’s backstory.

Tuesday

Insane dreams. Nothing to eat in the house. Not many people around Wells who I know. Stormy weather. Hot. 

I went out to buy food, as all Dad has in the fridge is a gallon (I kid you not) of skimmed milk, cheese, yoghurts, and tomatoes. I come back with quality bread, salad, free-range ham and sockeye salmon; enough to keep us going for a couple of days.

Mum is not well. She slept this afternoon. Mum like myself, never sleeps during the day. But in the last few years we both can. It’s commensurate with dementia. I did The Times quiz with her. She got a couple right, but the rest despite my heavy hinting, were beyond her capabilities.

I spent almost the whole day reading - The Times and some gaming books.

I went to Nerys’s in the evening. Ben came down and joined in with us for a bit but he is 14 so comms are predominantly offline till further notice. Tomos the puppy is mad, in a good way. I wish I was a dog.

I drank 4 cans of Clwb Tropica to Nerys’s one gin and tonic.

Wednesday

More insane dreams. This one was about a remote holiday destination in the North of Scotland. When we got there we found it was impossible to return. Other groups were there - all of us in the same large house. They hadn’t aged at all and were wearing contemporary clothing, but listened to music of a bygone age - waving a Tremeloes album at each other excitedly, as though it had just come out for the first time. There were other parts to the building where the ghost of a little girl ran about an abandoned theatre like a zephyr. It was all mental, but better than most films I’ve seen in years.

I’ll have to start rating my dreams. I mean this one was easily 9/10.

I had a decent bit of toast and lovely coffee, then went to town. I didn’t leave the house yesterday and it was very bright outside. I wore sunglasses and kept my noise-cancelling headphones on as it was market day. I felt overloaded - bombarded - with noise and visual information. 

I wanted to sit down and have a drink. I went to a cafe I’d previously written a bad review for. The same passive/aggressive person I’d witnessed serving was still there: so much for the effectiveness of my 2* review.

I walked out (there is never any impetus for speed in this part of Somerset except when driving through country lanes) and went to The Crown and sat outside with a refreshing pint of orange juice and lemonade. Admittedly I have even less patience than ever with my condition.

Trina (manager) came outside to say hello and we exchanged pleasantries. That was nice.

I walked home via the moat and Tor Woods and came back for lunch. I clearly don’t want to spend much time walking around Wells which is the opposite of the last time I was here. I also want to be on my own and find having conversations with my parents difficult.

Funnily enough I was overdue a trough in my condition and this is it, though oddly my typing of this has been rather effortless. Funny in the bar chart of traits and abilities what goes down at any given time.

What now then?

Why this blog is rubbish

I read the other day that most good art is created by flawed individuals who may be in a bad place. Some examples would be Larkin, Picasso, Caravaggio, Liszt.

And there is that current conversation of separation between art and artist: do we take down the Eric Gill because he sexually abused his daughters? If yes, do we take down the Caravaggios because he was a murderer? The difference is surely how long ago these things happened. If the 20th century it's more pertinent. If it happened now immediate expulsion. The 16th century? Doesn't matter!

I do find it genuinely easier to write when I'm in a bad place. My ideas just flow out of me, like thought-diarrhoea. And I'm as fucked-up as Philip Larkin, but I just don't get angry any more.

This post has taken days to get going.

The thing is I'm trying - and often succeeding -  to live in the moment and notice beauty and warmth and pleasure. All the easier while I have no capacity for planning (or indeed facing the future) anymore.

I have so much time I can use what grey matter I have left to take on big ideas and watch and listen to footage of the likes of Christopher Hitchens and Werner Herzog. 

I've always like the company of intelligent people.

What was I saying again?

Gut-buster

I'm fat again. It's sugar. Sugar in biscuits, sweets, beer. I look bloody awful, and my jeans have never been tighter, and yes, I do wash them at 30', so it is me.

I've felt really indulgent recently, and the new Lidl is amazing for biscuits and being me I want to sample all of them. 

I tend to drink alcohol on Tuesday evenings and at the end of a D&D session on a Sunday - having drunk zero-alcohol beer up until then, to keep my struggling brain as functional as possible.

I need to be more disciplined. I yo-yo these days.

Favourite Dinner party guests

Mars Bars are the most popular confectionary. The reason is they are sweet, and not much else. And the textures are easy on the gob. Is it the best chocolate? Of course not; I wouldn't even describe it as chocolate. 

But it's the most popular. 

I use this particular metaphor to remind people that popular doesn't mean best. It often means least offensive.

People who I would love to have met, who may not have got on so well at a dinner party would certainly offend a lot of people.

Frank Zappa - highly difficult music, very intellectual guy who interspersed his music with offensive words and lyrics. The man who put the sneer into rock and roll. Huge output of music from large orchestral pieces to self-indulgent guitar solos, with incredible songs using multiple key changes, meters and improvisations. Check out the band he had in the early 70s with George Duke and Ruth Underwood. 

Werner Herzog - auteur director and actor. Made feature films and documentaries, usually of individuals trying to achieve something in a world that is alien and hostile to them. Aguire Wrath of God, Fitzcarraldo, Grizzly Man. He is fascinating to listen to, and the stories of the making of his films are as fascinating as the films themselves. 

Andy Kaufman -  a performance artist masquerading as a stand-up comedian. The joke is on you. And if you don't get the joke, at least Andy is laughing. Also Elvis's favourite Elvis Presley impersonator.

And why do I admire them? Because they're mavericks. They followed their vision without any compromise or tangents. I realise they're very Marmite (adj). But mavericks tend to be. 

You may hate them, and that's okay.

By the way, I am the antithesis of a maverick. 

My Current Addictions

So much news going on and so much of it terrifying. I've found CNN is the best one in the States: Fox is rabid, MSNBC horribly smug.  Thank goodness for Sky and BBC and C4 in the UK. And left and right criticise them.

My list of top news stories is as follows:

Trump. This is huge. America split down the middle. And I fear this could end in a civil war, the implications of which would be profound for America but also the rest of the world.

Ukraine: Belarus is about to install Russian nukes and Medvedev is threatening to sever the info cables under the sea that connect us to each other. This could be the start of Cold War 2. But is Putin desperate enough to actually go ahead? We (collectively) in the West certainly didn't trust the USSR back in the day (some of us didn't trust America either) and I see no reason to trust Russia/Iran/ChinaNorth Korea now.

Starvation in North Korea. This is a country that can't grow enough food to feed its 26 million inhabitants and there is a starvation there that echoes the starvation in the 1990s. Compounding this is the fact that the leadership is spending money it could feed its citizens with on its nuclear development program, and has stopped importing food from China. In fact over the last 3 years it's closed its borders and expelled foreign citizens to the extent we only know what's going on there from the few people brave enough and canny enough to have communications with the outside.

B Johnson is dominating the front pages in the UK but this story is a footnote. If you haven't already realised that to him the truth is an irrelevance then you should probably get some therapy. 

Buffoon.

Swatting

I always hated this time of year as it's exam weather - the most brutal time to be indoors for days swatting away. Seeing as I never could get down to any effective form of revision, and would always get sidetracked, I have always hated exams as the stress I endured was awful.

The Executioner.

This is all a pathetic attempt to try and make a pun about swatting as now I'm running round the house looking for flies (for some reason we get a lot of them here) with this bad-boy (pictured). And it's addictive.

However, this farcical attempt at a joke is not working and probably was never going to.

Sorry. I'll go now.

Yes, we're ALL Neurodivergent now

 What's your diagnosis?

Many of us have got a diagnosis these days. Lots of adults are being diagnosed rightly or wrongly with ADHD. There are lots of people on the autistic spectrum too. It seems to be getting larger. It's almost galactic in its proportions these days.

It's easy to dismiss all these things now as the latest hook to hang your coat on, as though we're all automatons devoid of free-will and and our neurological make-up is to blame for any discrepancies in our behaviour and societal misdeeds. 

Our behaviour is usually a mixture of nature and nurture, though we still have the fight or flight from our reptilian brain, there to keep us alive in extreme circumstances.

And while it's easy to mock the trendy new penchant for diagnoses later on in life, it doesn't half give you some relief. What I mean is, it can go someway to explain why you are who you are.

Disclaimer: I'm not a trans person. I've always been happy in my body and never for one moment doubted I was a male. However, I do exhibit a lot of classically non-masculine behaviours. Masking is one of them.

As a child I felt very awkward socially. What I said wouldn't go down well with the other kids - I was a follower not a leader. I was a cry-baby, and the following of others became outright copying.

A kid came to the school and I really wanted to be his friend. He seemed so confident and life was just easy for him - I thought. I don't know how he put up with me to be honest. I would have been a bit freaked out. The only things I didn't copy in the end were his taste in music (all that Goth crap!) and I couldn't get my hair to do what his did.

There were other kids I tried to be like too. But I wasn't tough or working-class or good at sport. So I didn't fit in with them either. 

I just wanted to draw things and play with Lego and play Dungeons and Dragons.

Why did I never fit in to one 'friendship group' as they call them now? To be honest I never saw the need for social cliques and I didn't really understand them, but I knew I ought to be in one. I would look at them and think - well, I like these people, and she's nice from that group - he's a nice person in that group, but you have to choose a group or you're an outsider. If you do choose a group you then like 3 of the people but the other 3 are arseholes and you just have to put up with them. 6 to one and all that.

So when I went to art school I reinvented myself with long hair (which I'd I'd always wanted) and trying to be cool, which tbh I wasn't very good at. I guess I was a late bloomer so when I was older (out of school) I was a lot more popular with the girls, which was nice. But it was all a bit of an act.

You're probably asking what does all this bollocks have to do with neurodiversity? Here's a list of my worst traits.

• Easily-distracted: can't concentrate on 70% of lessons, can't even start to revise, loathe exam times, can't read a book, 
• Lack of concentration: silly mistakes, lack of focus, 
• Copying others, behaviour, dress-sense, style,
• Oversharing, inappropriate information, too much information, wrong time, wrong place, faux-pas
• Inappropriate behaviour, saying the wrong thing, being outrageous, being obnoxious
• Oversensitive cry-baby, stress-monkey, worrisome, sleep-deprived, self-loathing
• Insensitive -smart-ass, gob-shite, harsh, hurtful

That's me. Now I'm not trained in any of this and I haven't had any diagnosis other than that of FTD, but I share a lot of the above traits with people with ADHD and those on the Autistic-Spectrum and seemingly always have done since I was little.

And while I may or may not have ADHD or be on the spectrum, at least by analysing myself and identifying the above, the elephant in the room is there for me to see it. Now I know its there I can train myself to be in the moment and identify when it is operating and either stop it or work around it. It's actually really handy for the person, not as an excuse as though to say "Yes, sorry I was being an arsehole - it's my neurodiversity" rather like the drunk would blame the bottle, but to acknowledge the signs and signifiers of behaviours and either mitigate for them or withdraw myself from a situation.

It's actually really pleasing to have this - it makes life easier and it makes liking myself a lot easier too. I'm kind and sweet-natured most of the time. I'm perceptive, a relatively original thinker and I am a very good judge of character. I'm an oddball and many of my friends are oddballs and characters. I'll help anyone who's a friend. I'm generous with my time and money. I'm all right in other words.

It's all right being a weirdo, oddball, nerd. In fact it's actually rather good.

The End of Dungeon Mastering

I've been running 2 campaigns for months and months. In fact, my Monday online group has been in the same campaign for over 2 years. But both are ending pretty much in the next couple of weeks, and I will be a player once more.

I'm a little worried that my brain will atrophy quicker now I will be sitting back letting someone else do all the hard work DMing, with all the planning, research and writing involved.

I have 2 new characters I want to use: a gnome wizard called Bibble Babble, and a Gloomstalker Ranger/Assassin for the longer in-person Sunday campaign.

Not to be confused with Babble Bibble!

I can't wait.

I will be back to DM though. It's been really good and I think I am a better Dungeon Master than I was before. You never stop learning, despite the fact you may have a leak in the knowledge banks...