Time Out

Negativity

 I realise I've crashed below the negative threshold AGAIN and can't seem to get out of it. I know I need to be more upbeat. Having read the last few blogs, with one or 2 exceptions they have been very maudlin and depressing; cynical and nasty at worst. I've named people who get up my nose or who I have some beef with, and I got told off.

Yeah yeah yeah...

I've been getting stuck on current politics and personalities from my past. 

One of the things with FTD is a total failure to plan for the future. It drives J nuts - at least she knows that it's not really my fault now. I guess that's why I'm always looking to the past. Every morning I'm reminded of something from my past - a person or a particular job or project I was doing. I really get stuck on it  - like a curse. I relive it as though it's a video playing in my mind, and it repeats on the really niggly stuff that grates. I've always had this to an extent it's just that it is turned up to 11 now.

(Written a day later) It's difficult to get myself out of the mire when this is going on. But at present I seem to have emerged from it - head up, looking around and breathing in the air. 

It's pretty good really. I hope I stay here for as long as I can.

One thing about FTD that we've only recently found out (J saw it on a Rare Dementia Support Q&A session) is that the Temporal Lobe isn't just responsible for 'ABC' language, but all language: the language of society, the language of decorum. 

In other words all the social mores that were learned from being a toddler onwards will diminish. You don't understand that people could be upset at the wider ramifications of a single action or utterance; that by calling someone by name a certain thing, you will upset people and you and your partner may be excluded socially.

Difficult one for me because with a lot of people I don't really care that much if I never see them again. However, J does, and can see the harm it will do. 

Amplify this over a few years and you've ostracised everyone. 

Moods

My mood fluctuates between angry at the world and various individuals, to one of relative calm, or my version of it at least.

It happens that I wake up feeling okay every day but I can then fall into the dark side at the drop of a hat. 

I'm trying to analyse what sets me off. It doesn't appear to be alcohol or sleep-related, so I'm still in the dark as to what the trigger or triggers might be.

Break

Fascinating. Simply fascinating.

I'm going to take a break for a while until I've got something to say. This blog has gone somewhat off-piste from it's noble beginnings (!) so I'll be doing fewer posts but hopefully better ones, targeted towards living with FTD.

Ta ta, as they say.