Darkness

 I was in such a good mood this morning; bright and sharp and had all my wits about me. I had all my references to hand and could remember quotes and didn't have a word out of place, perfect recollection of facts, names, dates, places.

My friend Rupert was here. We had a lovely walk in the sunshine on a cold, frosty winter's day and then we said goodbye. Everyone had remarked on my lucidity. It's as though there was nothing wrong with me.

I'm high as a kite. I'm in the kitchen with J and I sing one verse and one chorus of a silly song called Jollity Farm (the Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band version) and I'm promptly told to shut up. 

This could well be an annoying song for a lot of people, but I was only singing a song in my moment of joy. Why spoil a minute of daftness if someone is enjoying themselves?

Frontal-lobe overload. This was enough for my mood to swing in a very dark place.

4 hours have passed and I'm still unhappy. It's destroyed my upbeat mood for the day. I was always sensitive but now I can go ballistic in a heartbeat.  This was just sour.

I had to leave the house. I was swearing openly under my mask at the supermarket. I tried to rationalise why you'd be rude to someone just for singing. After all, R sings a lot and no one tells her to shut up quite as abruptly as that.

It was also the fact that I could remember the lyrics - that made me feel good. 

Shut up.

I start to analyse why I'm here in this house. What is this marriage? Are we still together because J has a sense of duty to care for a sick husband rather than actual love? As Prince Charles famously said, 'what is love?'

Like a lot of marriages, a cheery front can often enshroud underlying misery or stress. We reserve our dark sides for our loved ones. Not fair but who else can we vent on, if we don't have a therapist, or even if we do?

I won't be right for the rest of the day. I know that. At least I'm going out tonight. Maybe tomorrow I'll be cheery again.

And now it's the next day, and I've broadcast a private matter to whoever's listening. Odd that my mood can be cut off in such a trifling way. It so happened J was very stressed with work and I just happened to be very irritating to her. Just people, doing their own thing and jarring for a moment. I should really get some thicker skin, though I've been telling myself to do that for an awfully long time now.